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The Mammogram Press

I know some of you have been on the edge of your seat awaiting the next part of my story. Meanwhile, some of you already know what happens. Shhh don’t ruin it. Some people like to reread books or rewatch movies, right?

I woke up and I got “date night ready” for my virtual visit with a doctor I had never met. I had to make a good first impression (at least from the waist up). If we are being real, no one is wearing jeans or even pants these days. After discussing the infamous lump, she was adamant about scheduling a mammogram and ultrasound ASAP. I was able to schedule the procedures for the next day. The breast center had paused routine mammograms due to COVID-19, which allowed me to squeeze in my appointment.  This was a record time for the medical world and the only time I will thank COVID-19. Don’t tell too many people.

After scheduling the appointment, I realized I had to work a 16-hour overnight shift prior to my morning appointment. I thought to myself, if my coworkers can go home to their month-long quarantined toddlers after a night shift, I can go get a mammogram. The call gods were looking down on me; there was not one overhead page, beeper page, phone call, or vocera chirp all night.

E picked me up from work and we headed to the breast clinic. I forgot to bring a mask with me so the receptionist gave me a hand-sewn mask to wear and keep (score!). Side note, she dug to the bottom of the bag to get me a mask that matched my light blue tie-dyed leggings (extra score!). I did not ask her to do that; she must have just read my mind. Sweet lady.

The mammogram. If you have never had a mammogram you are about to get educated. To start, the mammogram tech and I skipped first base and went straight to second. There were multiple position changes and awkward handholding (with the mammogram machine of course). It felt like my girls were the oranges in a fruit press - except you are not rewarded with orange juice at the end. Now that all of my modesty was gone, I was moved to the ultrasound room. Some more awkward positioning but at least I had an image to look at. The image was in black and white but it was way more entertaining than the mammogram situation.   

During the ultrasound, the radiologist recommended a biopsy of the lump. I was hoping he could do it following the ultrasound because I was already half naked on the cart. Unfortunately, his next availability was two hours later and that seemed too long to remain in my current state. It’s easy to pass two hours with a Chick-fil-A and a Costco five minutes from the clinic. A new PSA, if you haven’t had the chicken biscuit on the Chick-fil-A breakfast menu, it will change your life (and maybe your jean size). After our healthy start to the day, we decided to take a stroll around Costco. We were "browsing" and ended up leaving with 100$ worth of items. Costco does it again!

Two hours later I was back at the breast clinic. During my biopsy, I noticed the mood had changed. No one was making small talk, a new seriousness loomed. I was thankful for the efficiency of the staff, but this new apprehensiveness was worrisome. Thoughts raced in my mind of what this lump could be and my mind lead me to the darkest place….cancer land.    While in cancer land, the nurse informed me that I would have to wait two business days for my results. Being it was Thursday I would have to wait until Monday. I thought to myself, “damnnnn, even prime delivers on the weekend.”  As many of you know, waiting for anything can be quite difficult. Instead of dwelling on my results, I planned multiple activities for the weekend (per usual). Finally, Monday rolled around and the results came back: triple negative invasive ductal carcinoma, grade 3 to be exact…breast cancer for short.

I've been gone far too long from my perfectly molded spot on the couch. Until next time! 

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